The Dog's Diary: Presents
by Natmonkey
Summary: Stubbs is amazed by Denerim, and not impressed by Goldanna. He's becoming good friends with Wynne though.


Not long ago, an old female joined the lady's friends. She's nice and has a soft voice, even though she complains about how I stink. I get a lot of exercise, and busy dogs become smelly dogs. Yep. She even complained to the lady about it, and then the lady said I would fell the enemies with my stench! Yay! Fear me, for I am _stinky_! I will burn your noses clean off.

Today I took a bath though, and White Hair is much nicer to me. She pats me on the head. "You are a handsome canine specimen, aren't you?" More petting. Oh boy! "Yes, you are."

"Thanks! I don't know what a canine specimen is, but I sure get handsome!" I lick her hand.

"Oh, but look at that tiny stubby tail." How rude! Why do they pull my tail sometimes? I don't like it much. "Would you like a nicer tail? I could give you a long, swishy tail, if you liked." She waves her big stick around. I want her to throw it for me. "Just a wave of a wand and poof! Tail. You'll adore it, I promise."

I sit down, so she can't touch my tail anymore. "No, thank you. You humans pull it enough as it is. A longer tail will you only make you want to pull it more."

"Oh, hey guys." There we have the lady. She gets on her knees to give me a hug. Yay! "What are you talking about?"

"She wants to make my tail long!" I give her a big kiss on the face. "Stop her!"

The old female says: "I just thought a nice, swishy tail might please him, but it seems he doesn't like it much. How about a different colour fur then? Maybe spice up that drab brown with some red, or blue..." Her eyes suddenly become more sparkly. "Or violet, even!"

"I don't think he minds the colour of his fur," the lady laughs. See, she understands. "He seems perfectly happy being brown."

"I love you, lady." I rub my face against hers. "You get me."

White Hair also sits next to me. "But don't wardogs need to be pretty too?" Ooh, I don't like the way she's looking at me. "Yes, you want to be a pretty, pretty dog."

"No! No, I don't want to be pretty. Being pretty won't kill my enemies!" What is _wrong_ with her?

"That's right, you just love attention, don't you?" Firmly she strokes my chest and back. Good petting. Yes. More. "And you want antlers..." Wait, what, antlers? Horns? _Me_? "A big, swishy tail and ant-..."

That does it! My tail is fine, my fur is fine and I don't need antlers. Come with me, big stick. We're going to run for a while. Maybe the giant will throw you for me.

"Hey!" the old female yells when I run away. "He... he made off with my staff! Perhaps I underestimated his intelligence."

"_Bwahahahaha_!" The lady laughs, rolling over the ground like I would in a pile of rotten fish. "You probably took it a little too far with those antlers."

Yes. No antlers for me. Never, ever, ever. Oh no! Faster! The old female is chasing me! She must really want to give me those antlers. Can't catch me!

* * *

Hmmm, I like this place. It smells like dogs here. If the lady lets me, I'll go find them. See if I can find a playmate. Or see what this mating is all about. On the way here, some people tried to kill the nice female. For shame! But they're dead now, so that's good. They even had a mabari with them. A female one... She made my tail wag, but she was mean. That was no good. I didn't want to kill her, but I had to. She would so have killed me. And anyone else she could sink her teeth in. Dangerous.

We kill a lot, even here. We went into a house, and there we killed a male human. He had a dead man lying around his house. Ew. And then we went into another house, where we had a fight with this funny-talking female. She was the nice female's master, long ago. Funny, I didn't know humans could have masters. When the funny talking female and the males helping her were dead, nice female became sad. Very sad. Didn't even want to go looking around this city with us anymore.

I'm with the lady and Tin Can right now. He's talking about his sister. Tin Can has a litter mate! I wonder if she has such a hard outer shell too. Will she come with us? What should I call her, if she's like a tin can too? Hmm, this house is small and dirty. And Tin Can's sister doesn't look like him at all. She's going to make him sad, I know it. This female is unhappy, and because she is unhappy, she becomes angry. What did I say? Blaming poor Tin Can for her sad life. Her meanness makes my fur stand on end, and I growl at her. Don't like her. Tin Can is getting sadder and sadder. Oh no.

I guess we're going to leave. Good. The lady makes that middle finger gesture that makes people all angry. Yes, the mean female deserves it. I don't think she's coming with us for adventures. "Meanie!"

* * *

I'm sad. Because Tin Can is sad. He drank a lot of funny-smelling liquid, kind of like in the place with all the people that time. I'm also happy, because I have a nice bone. What is Tin Can doing, rubbing his face against the lady's belly? If he's trying to sniff her butt, that is totally the wrong way to do it. Her butt isn't anywhere close to where his nose is right now. Humans have funny noses. He's given up trying. Yes, just wait until she's not sitting anymore.

White Hair is here, with the angry female. What's happening? Tin Can is acting so strange. I thought he didn't like the angry female, but there he is, holding her. Weird. Angry female doesn't like it much though. Angry female is angry again. And Tin Can is sad. "Awww..." I lay my head on his leg. Humans like this, I think. Time to go. I better not forget my bone. It's a good bone. Yum.

* * *

"Not on the bed, Stubbs." White Hair shoos me away. I wanted to sleep in the lady's room, but I think she'll be busy helping Tin Can feel better. And what better way to make someone feel better than mating? It seemed to work for the lady. Although maybe that's a little mean, because she is the skinny human's mate. Do humans mate for life? Doesn't seem so. Humans are pickles. Is that the right word? That they change their minds quickly?

"I'll sleep on the floor then." Again. The carpet is comfy though. "Do you know what's wrong with Tin Can?"

White Hair looks down on me. "Are you concerned for Alistair? I would not worry about him too much; your mistress will look after him. He is sad now, but he will mend eventually."

"Okay, if you say so." I make a few circles on the carpet, to find the best spot. Here? Yes. Perfect.

"Would you happen to know if he and your mistress are... mates?" She eyes me curiously.

"They weren't before." I rest my head on my paws and get really comfy. "She was mating with that skinny human."

The old female sighs. "That did not sound like a yes, but how I wish I could understand you."

"Me too! We could have better talks." I roll onto my back. "Rub my belly!"

Laughing, White Hair says: "Anyone would be able to understand _that_." She sits on the carpet to stroke my tummy. "I am simply a tad worried for Alistair. Your mistress is far more experienced in matters of love than he is." Sad voice.

"Are you afraid she will hurt Tin Can? He is her best friend, you know." I think she loves him almost as much as she loves me. The lady is great. "Don't worry, old female. The lady will never hurt him."

"Were you just trying to reassure me?" White Hair pats my belly one last time. "Was that what you were saying?"

"Yes." I lie on my stomach again. "Thanks for the belly rubbing."

The old female smiles. "You are a good dog." She goes into one of her bags. "Look, I bought this for your mistress." Clothes. They look a bit like what the lady was wearing the very first time I met her. Only blue. "Do you think she will like them?"

"Yes! She will love them!" Ooh, presents for the lady. I should get her a gift too. Maybe... Yes, I know. I will kill her a rabbit or something, and put it in her pack as a surprise! Oh, she'll be so happy!


End file.
